Depression Kills

Last summer we went to his home for a picnic party; that was our first visit to his house. I can't say we are close friends, just FOF; still it hurts when hearing that he killed himself with potassium cyanide (KCN). It was last Saturday/Sunday, so the hurt is still fresh.

There are few reasons in the world that could convince me that a life should kill itself; being terminally ill is a good one; depression would be too tragic. I mean, physically the body is perfect, yet a crippled mind inflicts the total destruction of it all.

Six crawl once described her hiking through the Long Trail: walking day in and day out, life became so simple. The essentials of life was such a bare minimal that all she yearned for was to have a big hot pot of noodle at the end of day, or to sink in a warm bath tub if it was an inn-night. If only life were so simple always.

I've seen a fair share of depression cases around me, some were cured, some ended up in tragedy. I can only hope tragedy won't happen any more, but I know that's in vain...

Morman, Bison, Yellowstone

Just for the sake of documenting the trip ...

9/1
We took the flight from EWR to SLC, arriving late night.

9/2
Although we hadn't made any plan in Salt Lake City, a flight-mate mentioned the famous temple square. As close as we were, we decided to take a look. Temple Square is the headquarter of Morman religion. They are rich. All those gorgeous buildings in and out the Square belong to them. Inside the conference center, an auditorium that could host 21,000 people has a pipe organ of 7667 pipes; the Tabernacle, where the choir used to perform, was in renovation; it was said that the pipe organ in there was even bigger, made of more than 11,000 pipes. While walking around in the square, you are very likely to be greeted by cordial Morman women, which may or may not be a good thing ;-)

The drive to Grand Teton was interesting. We took a detour, going through I80 -> 40 -> U-Turn -> 32 -> 150 -> I80 -> 189. At the intersection of 150 and I80, we stopped at a small town called Evanston. Before that stop, we had wasted quite a lot of time, marveling at the "majestic views" that we were not able to enjoy in NJ. Dinner was served in a Chinese buffet at Evanston, so we didn't leave there until after 7pm. Thinking we were not too far from Grand Teton, it came as a surprise that "Jackson is about 4 hrs away" when we stopped for gas after about 1 hr's drive. As our hotel was still more than 1 hr past Jackson, it looked kind of hopeless. Fortunately, we managed to Jackson in about 3 hrs while abiding to speed limits, mostly.

Driving in total darkness was not scary, not knowing when a deer or moose or bison would jump out was nerve wrecking. When there was a car following me, I slowed down to 10 mph below speed limit, forcing him/her to get into leading position; in less than 5 minutes, it was braking hard, and I saw a deer cut through in front of it. In the very next town, that car turned off into a motel.

We stayed at Colter Bay Village in Grand Teton. That was a pretty rustic but comfortable residence. The log cabin we lived in was built in 1922, and later moved to its current location in 1955 from Jackson Lake Lodge. It could comfortably sleep 5 and was complete with electricity and bath room, plus the location was quite convenient too.

9/3
As we arrived quite late the previous night, we slept through the whole morning. Throughout the day it was pretty foggy, making the view of the mountains dull. We walked around a short trail beside Jackson Lake, snapped some pictures. Water was crystal clear, luring me to dive into it; yet it was cold, so I just wet my feet and felt content.

Hiked to hidden falls in the afternoon. That was an ok place, not much difference than, say, Delaware Water Gap. However, it seemed the trails would get more interesting beyond that fall; unfortunately we didn't have time to explore further.

There were quite a few nice turnouts along the side-road from North Jenny Lake Junction to South Jenny Lake Junction; Jenny Lake Lodge was on this side road. The scenic turnouts here gave unobstructed close view of the mountains and the lake lying below.

On the way back from Jenny Lake Lodge, we spotted a moose cow near Jackson Lake Lodge, in a large patch of wetland. Quite ugly an animal.

9/4
Nothing too interesting, hiked on the trail along Jackson Lake again. As relaxed as we were, we went back to the cabin, and wife took a nap while I played with the camera.

After lunch, we drove down to Signal Mountain Marina and kayaked for 1 hour.

Before sunset, we went to Antelop Flats Drive outside the park, where you could easily see bisons. There really were many, so many that we thought they must be farm raised bulls. Those were cute, but probably not worth the dedicated drive, as it turned out there were way too many of those almost everywhere in Yellowstone.

9/5
Left Colter Bay area by around 10:00, then drove all the way up to Yellowstone. As close as it is, the geological features are so different from those in Teton. Teton feels pretty flat, while Yellowstone is immerced in mountains. On the road, we stopped by at Lewis Falls, West Thumbs Geyser Basin, Old Faithful, and a bunch of geothermal features. When entering the park, everything seemed so idyllic, so colorful, so desolate; we stopped at almost every place to cherish what we could never enjoy in NJ. When we drove through the same places several days later, things looked quite "ordinary" that we laughed at ourselves for being so excited over such "petty stimuli".

In summary, Old Faithful is probably the most famous, but it's far from the prettiest. With a crowd around it for every erruption, the beauty of solitude is lost. There're places satuated with color, with steam, with surprise, with formation, while Old Faithful is only faithful.

9/6
Cloudy with T-Storm possible; thus the decision of swimming in Boiling River. That is the only place in the park where you could swim in geothermal water. Driving past Norris Geyser Basin, Mammoth Hot Springs etc, we stopped here and there to take a peek. To be honest, we grew a little bit tired of all those similar-looking geothermal stuff. The Upper and Lower Terrace at Mammoth Hot Springs used to be spectacular, however they have dried up in recent years and lost its charm.

Close to the north entrance, the landscape was so different that we decided to drive all the way to the entrance, and spend some time lingering around on the slopes. As we strolled around on in the midst of cactus fields, cars stopped on the road to peek at us ---- the wild animals.

Boiling River boasts over 200 visitors daily, though we were quite lucky to strike a light-traffic day. The scenic trail from the parking lot to the bathing area was about half a mile long, and was a very enjoyable walk. As we submerged ourselves in hot water, suddenly a pack of elks emerged from nowhere, stepping into the creek downstream. The setting sun cast an even golden glow on the slopes, the elks, and the creek; sitting in heart-thumping natural hot tub, life couldn't get better. When we were leaving, the elks were still lingering along the trail, sort of blocking our way out. The lead male was such a magnificent animal with a set of 12 point antler. As I got closer to him, I could feel his smell, his strut, and his nervousness from his responsibility of the whole family. With 12 sharp points on his head, I had no plan to even slightly tease him. Finally the family left.

Yellowstone is really the heaven of wild animals; and there're so many of them, which makes driving in the dark quite dangerous. Neverthless, we rarely got back to hotel before the sky was soaked in darkness. By doing that, we were blessed to see quite some interesting stuff in the coming days ...

9/7
Today Mr He was supposed to join us. In previous day's phone call, everything was confirmed as scheduled.

Before heading to the airport, we drove through Firehole Canyon Drive, walked around Midway Geyser Basin, and hiked to Fairy Falls.

Firehole Canyon Drive used to be part of the main loop road; nowadays it is just a 2 mile detour along which there are several falls and cascades. It is also where one of the two places in the park where swimming is allowed, though this spot is icy cold, unlike in Boiling River. When we arrived, a Russian man was swimming, and his comment of the temperature was "it's ok, you'll survive". Yet I wasn't so sure.

Midway Geyser Basin hosts the grand Grand Prismatic Spring. Of course without elevation, you could only get half the picture. However, once you are on top of the nearby hill, that is what you would see. The hill is accessible from the Fairy Falls trail, but don't expect a trail to the hilltop ---- there is none. As there were 2 hills there, and I climbed both, this experience contributed a lot to Mr He's 2-hr wait at the airport.

Fairy Falls trail was fairly boring, except this herd of bison and this pair of shoes.

We were 2 hrs late for picking up Mr He, and he waited 2 hrs on the bench at Jackson Hole Airport.

On the way back, I got this cutie.

After finishing dinner at Signal Mountain Lodge, it was already 9 o'clock. The drive back to the hotel took us 2 hrs, along which we saw 1 car accident, 1 elk crossing the road in front of us, 1 bison walking along the road, and 1 bison walking right in front of us. Didn't I know night driving was fun?

9/8
Overcast. We went to Artist's Point, and the color was just right. It was quite crowded at the Point. However, when we hiked along the trail to Point Sublime, the view was spectacular and the crowd was all gone.

Bear encounters were the topic of this day, as there were 3; one grizzly, one black, and a black female named Rosey with 2 cubs.

We also tried to find a wolf pack in Larma Valley, but no luck; though the prey was there.

When driving back, a totally smashed SUV blocked the road between Madison Junction and West Entrance. The SUV hit a bison, quite likely at pretty high speed. To show our sympathy, no pictures were taken.

9/9
Upon Mr He's request, we went to Mammoth Hot Springs for the Terraces again; though not early in the morning, as he longed for, when temperature was low and overhanging steam was supposed to be thicker. This trip was not in vain, as we finally discovered some nice spots and live hot springs.

After learning that Mr He didn't bring his swim trunks with him, we decided to show him Boiling River. Obviously he regretted, complained, and voyeured ...

On the way back, there was a "yesterday-she-was-with-a-baby" moose cow, along with her baby. Also wife got scared by a sneezing bison. Some of the animals were really permanent residents, as we saw Rosey and her two cubs at the very same spot, chewing pine cones again.

9/10
Grand Finale.

Despite tight schedule, we had a delicious breakfast, visited Midway Geyser Basin again, and arrived at Jackson Hole Airport just 40 min before Mr He's flight was to take off. With that experience, we drove non-stop to the capital of Morman; well, almost non-stop.

New Spices

Finally fixed up the pictures for my Yellowstone trip. Look at Animals, us, or the rest.

Although I did make some notes along the road, but nothing quite interesting in there. I'll see whether it's worth making entries here.

Dream Last Night

Recently I've been dreaming more and more. Last night's dream was especially interesting, partly because I could remember quite clearly, and partly because it was interesting.

It started with a trip to Las Vegas. After boarding the plane, wife was sitting on a window seat, I sat next to her. Soon the plane took off, and I fell asleep; I must be pretty tired, or else why would I dream of sleeping? Next I was waken up by the scared voice of wife saying, "What should we do now? What to do?"; her eyes wide open, staring at my opening sleepy eyes. I felt the plane was shaking side to side, and water line was in the middle of the window. Obviously our plane made an emergency landing in the water. Upon realizing this, I yelled with excitement and joy, "Holy cow, we are lucky; my life is complete!" Sure it is; not many people could experience an emergency landing, let alone a successful one. Just as I was reaching for my camera to take some pictures, to my bewilderment, the plane powered up its engines, lifting off the water, and headed back to the airport. After getting off the plane peacefully, we were informed that this flight was cancelled, and we cannot be rescheduled for the same route in 3 days; therefore most passengers just left upset, no violent protests, no anger, even no signs of trauma. I was upset too, as the travel plan was disrrupted; so I gathered with a few who were still there, and tried to find out whereelse we could buy a ticket and travel to. That was when I woke up.

In reality what would I do? I would feel lucky if I hadn't wet my pants under such circumstances.

Let's Go Too Far, Shall We?

Quite an interesting question, really like it.

Memorial Weekend

I'm getting more and more lazy, just like my friends ---- our blogs keep unchanged for weeks, even months. That's why I'm only going to not down a few points about what we did over the memorial weekend, one week ago, just for the record.

Saturday, a late start. We got up at noon. After some struggling with ideas, we decided to see some movies. Several hours later, we stepped out of the cinema. Over the hedge and Mission Impossible III were what we scooped; fine for a rainy afternoon. After that we joined the Gang in Rutgers and played some ping pong, had a nice dinner, several rounds of card games, and decided to hike the next day.

Finding the trail head took us some time, as well as taking restroom breaks in the wild. We took a trail in Bear Mountain area, right off 9W. The trail was strenuous, the view was ok, and the hike was fun. Dinner at Pang Za's home, and then some rounds of card games as usually. We had a fine wine which Milk Bottle brought from France; unfortunately I had to drive, so couldn't drink more than a couple of sips.

The original plan for Monday was to do some more sports. However, The Violent Couple (Six Crawl and Pangza) surrendered. So we gave our car a nice hand wash.

That's it.

Late for the Train

I'm late for the train again this morning, watching it closing its door before me on the platform; that's upsetting. Thus here I'm siting in the waiting room, carrying a full bag of heavy books to be returned to the library, but nothing to read for now. Blogging.

Just had my real "30th" birthday several days ago; the big celebration we had in April was quite far ahead of my birthday. By Chinese tradition, this is actually my 29th. So when Six Crawl asked me what do I feel about being "30 by Shanghainese tradition", I said I still have hope, for the last 1 year before that turning point. However, the other part of my answer was that I'm feeling mid-age crisis 10 years ahead, a little bit lost about what I want to do for the next 10 years, or next half of my life. The only thing I'm sure of is, I want to retire now and enjoy all the things I like, which is impossible.

Putting future plans or fantacies aside, my birthday night went like this. We went to Loucas for dinner. Loucas is a nice traditional Italian restaurant near my home; we go there a couple of times every year, to celebrate birthdays, anniversaries etc. After a heavy meal, we still managed to stuff in a small chunk of a delicious Tiramisu cake wife bought from La Bonbonaire. That settled it, and we both lied down on the couch at home with exploding stomaches, spent a good half of the night sleeping there. When woke up, we took a shower, and continued sleeping in the bed. Quite an eventless night you would say, but it's peaceful and good.

Anniversary

This is the conversation I heard this afternoon, between two mid-aged men.

A: (Checking watch) I'm going to leave now. I need to pick up my wife. Today is our Anniversary.
B: Oh, that is interesting. Today is my anniversary too. But I got divorced, so ...
A: Oh yeah? You know what, today is my anniversary with my second wife.

I could hardly hear anything through my laughter after that.

Rafting

The rafting trip on last Saturday was quite an adventure. Here are some hilights:

• Zhanna, Doggie, and Var had some intimate moments zipping and unzipping each other's wetsuits
• Wife and Prof Tian fell into the water, and were both rescued by following boats
• Thunder storm and sun mixed through the event, quite a unique experience
• Water gun fighting, escalated into bucket fighting
• Last but not least, a crazy night with 8 people in one hotel suite, partying and later crowding into sleep

One week

It's been one week since Paul's funeral, peace and calmness are already coming back.

I wanted to write a piece when I returned from the funeral, but one thing leads to another, I procrastinated till now. After 7 days, the memory is already not fresh any more; if waited longer, I doubt whether I could recollect enough bits to make this a memorable event. No matter how you dislike it, memory of the passed-away does fade so fast after all.

The funeral probably had nothing special. Paul and Karen are both religious, so the Catholic procedures threaded the ceremony. In the beginning, some not-so-close friends and colleagues stayed briefly, paid their respect, and left. Those who stayed were mostly from the church. The ceremony was quite smooth and touching. I was not so familiar with Paul, so only knew briefly about his history; in the funeral, however, I learned a lot more. I got to know his full Chinese name, his character as a child, and some of his chronicles; the slide show of the family told us where they had been, the stories of their lives together, and the happy moments. There were pictures of them setting foot on different corners of the world; pictures of pregnant Karen holding tightly with Paul, emanating bliss and pride; pictures of the baby clinging to Paul while Paul was so clumsy and obviously scared of the vulnerable thing. I really had a hard time to hold my tears. That was the journey they had been through, the short-lived happiness that everybody would hope to last forever; yet they only had that for a short 3 years.

Time came when we walked up to pay our last respect. Through the thick and uneven plaster like makeups, I could hardly recognize this face as the same face in those pictures; this face was pale and delicate, and lifeless. He surely was resting in peace already.

The closing of the casket was not shown to anybody, including family members; when Paul's body was wheeled out of the patient's quarter, the same rule applied. Call it cruel or not, this at least avoided some heart wrenching sights.

It has only been 7 days, and we are already forgetting. Life is such a journey, it is a magic when you are alive and enjoying, but fades away with little trace and in little time when the life is gone.

66 kg

I am growing pretty fast.

Rafting Tomorrow

Long planned white water rafting trip, unfortunately will happen on a rainy day. But anyway, we'll get soaking wet, as I promised ... The gears shown in the pictures should be able to do a nice job.

How evil I am! Evil, evil, evil.

Paul

Paul died at 5:05pm last Thursday afternoon; from that moment on, he was 45 years old forever.

I can still remember last time when we met at Costco, he was still a hectic loud new father, babbling about the going-ons of his life despite the cold wind, holding the baby tightly against himself. His first operation on his brain tumor was on 3/10; no one would expect his death in a merely less than 2 months, not even his doctor.

This is not the first death I have encountered. When my grandfather died, I was aside; he died at the age of 72. On the 35th day after his death, I wrote a piece when I was home alone. Memory has faded to a point where I cannot recall what I actually wrote in there, the only thing I'm sure is that there was a pretty faint melancholy given the limitd interaction with him.

I wasn't around when my grand father on my father's side died, when my youngest aunt died, or when my grandmother died. The aunt also died in her 40s, another pathetic case.

On Thursday night, I went to the hospital. No idea why I went, just felt like going, like to see him for the last time. There will be a funeral, but that is different. Paying tribute at the hospital feels personal.

We got there at around 8:30. Paul's wife Karen was weeping beside the bed alone at that time. Friends gathered in the library of the Hospice section. There I saw Michelle, the couple's daughter, a little more than 1 yr old. She was still ignorant of the loss, crying for milk or diaper. People were gossiping, mostly about the progress of the events; but nothing really mattered much now. Paul's sister was abouut to arrive at JFK airport at 21:20; she had been here for weeks, and as soon as she went back, she decided to come back again; still she wasn't able to see him off.

We waited in the library for a while, before some one went into the room to console Karen again. Moments later, we walked to the room. I prepared myself for that, the sight still quite dazed me. I could manage to recognize Paul, but no longer that dark-skinned healthy talkative Paul; he was so pale, without a trace of blood. Suddenly I felt relieved, it felt like Paul was still around, what was lying there was just a soulless body. I used to fear ghosts, but at that moment I wouldn't be scared if Paul was really around; I would like to see his soul detached from the tortured body, and start babbling again in his strongly accented Mandarin.

We stayed till Paul's sister came. By that time, it had already been more than 6 hrs after Paul passed away. Honestly, that was the first time I have ever seen a corpse that has died for so long, and that sight was quite impressive. My eyes fixed on Paul's hands, on which there had already developed two huge stains caused by livor mortis, when the group was praying. That sight is going to stay with me throughout my life I guess.

Paul surely didn't want to leave so early; after more than 40 years of nomading, he was just about to start his happy family life. He loved his wife so deeply, that he was questioning himself "What about Karen?" ("Karen怎么办呀?") when he was in deep coma. Now Karen is going to leave this land of broken heart, bringing Paul's ashes with her, back to home. We can only hope the best, to both of them.

28 Miles - Effect

Boasting about putting 28 miles under our feet feels good enough; the 10 hours of our life experiencing this were even more "enjoyable". There were the chill in the early morning, the excitement agitated at the sight of ducks, the ghasting sight of a dead snake, the slower and slower "warm-up" after rests, and the robot dances we all performed in the last leg of the hike.

It was a fine walk on a fine day with a fine group of fine people.

More pics for 4/15

These pics came through email, from Mr He.

Circle of Honor

Early update with pictures

25 Miles by Foot

Tomorrow, is the big day, the day the East Coast Gang is going to hike 25 miles along the canal, from New Brunswick to Princeton. That will be the longest hike I have ever taken in my life up to date. Challenges? Who knows. Weather will be good, trail is close to major roads, there'll be 9 of us; so nothing is really scary, unless some of the heaviest collapse and need somebody to haul them out. Let's see!

Disappointing Pictures

After getting back the pictures of our California trip, I got disappointed. There are numerous pictures displaying a weird drab color. Just when I wanted to blame the printing, some well-balanced-colored ones jumped out; that was humiliating. After some close examination, it turned out that the bad ones were all taken with a polarizer, and this becomes even more confusing.

I used the polarizer to cut down the bright sky, in the hope that the contrast between forground and distant snow peaks could also be reduced. That seemed a futile effort; the contrast was still so strong, while the whole picture showed a shift of color towards blue. Well, this is a perfect lesson showing the importance of testing out the equipment thoroughly while at home. To be fair to myself, I have used this filter while I was in Las Vegas, and didn't observe any color shift; but maybe that was because of the good weather? I have no idea.

In contrast, pictures from my tiny point and shoot digital camera turned out pretty good. That proves another lesson: the better equipment, the easier to get full control, and the easier to screw up.

Weekends

Just as I decided to try to restart journaling my life, I would as well start babbling about my weekends, which tend to be more eventful than weekdays; and as I spent most of my weekends with friends, the nature of those is much less private.

I believe weekends until 3/18 have been pretty well documented. From 3/18 till today, there are 5 weekends not counting the 3/18 one. How am I able to account for all these 5 weekends is anybody's guess ---- I can't. I can only say I had a haircut on some day, and a party on 4/15 for my assumed birthday, and probably last weekend.

Last weekend was a little bit hectic, but not too eventful. Good Buddy Yavi was finally convinced to change his Friday meeting into a phone conference, so that he could delay his trip to the rural area till Sunday night. On Saturday, when we got bored with the card game, we set off to the office to enjoy the snacks, drinks, and all sorts of gaming facilities. After a VERY HEAVY hot pot meal, the card games ran into late night.

On Sunday wife and I went to Bathlehem, PA for a farewell party to Idaho Zhao, who would leave for Boise, Idaho late this month to start her job at Micron. The barbecue was especially good, and other dishes did the same good job of stuffing me up to the neck; I was happy then.

Well as I drag on, another two weekends are accounted for. My visit to California was from 3/31 to 4/9, which pretty much covered 2 weekends. On 4/1 weekend we just spent some time in San Francisco, and met with Weird Name Guy, who this time claimed he was living on the Mars. Food there was pretty good, and the waiter was great fun. On 4/8 we took the day trip to Yosemite, and that was when I got the chance to drive on roads without speed limit.

As nice and easy as typing in here, I might need a private journal for some other stuff. Wife said she needed a access-restricted blog space, while I recommended pen and paper; that would never fail on me.

Diary

When wife was in China, I went through my old journal book, and wrote several posts about that. Last week, when wife wanted to know some details about an event, I just said "Check my journal yourself"; and that was the start.

Over these days, she has been studying it extensively, plucking out every details to prove that I am not treating her as affectionately as before. Whereas I never sensed that myself, it probably is true. After all, 7 years is a long long time.

Along the way, some tidbits of long lost memory have been picked up; that is the magic of Rotten Pen Tip. From between the lines, a happy aimless content soul was the one who wrote those text. As aimless as I was, it was a fine young life, which I don't have the luxury of claiming so any more. Although can't remember the details without the help of the jounal, I could still remember vividly the worriless years, like the faint remaining taste of wine on the back of my tongue.

Now that life is becoming a routine, in these 5 years there is much less to remember than the couple of years documented in my journal. Maybe, just maybe, I should pick up the pen and ink down whatever mundane life that is going on; and make that part of the routine itself. After all, it seems all famous people kept a journal, which sometimes made its way into a memoir.